A Far Cry from Self Realization

Sometimes I'm convinced there are two of me, either working in harmony or fighting to no end. One part of me is a lover of the earth and all, with the ultimate goal of spiritual awakening. Another is a person like any other...alive, confused, lonely, sad, remorseful, dead... In that being I see no other road to happiness than through the vain pursuit of physical perfection. I want to be beautiful and loved and sexy, with eternal looks and vitality. Sometimes I sicken myself. The truth most often is sickening...Anyway enough rambling on about wants and wishes, heres a little about who I am and where I've been.

About Me:

My name is Amber, I was born in Dallas, Texas. I don't remember much from a young age, but I had a strong love for animals, and nature, freedom...something I've held with me to this day. I once heard that you should never let go of the things you loved most at the age of five, because that was you at your highest state of perfection. Hmm...I remember my parents fighting alot and fearing my dad and hating my mom. I wasn't really a normal kid. I wanted to be put in karate and ballet classes, which was turned out to be hopeless dreaming. I wasn't alowed to go to friend's houses or sleepovers or go to summer camp. I was quiet at school, not like normal quiet, I didn't talk. I had a couple friends and that was it. Friends never lasted though, I moved schools every year or every other year. I spent most of my time at home, hoping for something better. My release was when I went swimming at the apartment pool or to the zoo or park or pet store or to see my cousins, my best friends in California. At 12 I moved to Michigan, I began opening myself up more to people and friends. At 14 I moved again to another city in Michigan and here Is where I reside. A small lonely town of narrow minds and people who are just stuck I suppose. At 16 things started changing. I started talking more and ignoring the strict rules of my parents. I had a few life altering experiences, got a boyfriend, got in a bit of trouble, ran away and came back. At 17 I realized my boyfriend was abusive but it was too late, I was pregnant. At 18 I gave birth to a son. Here I am, jobless, carless, still living with my parents at 19, dreaming of a way to escape this hell hole...I am depressed and increasingly hopeless...

Goals:

1. Start a business and save enough money to buy a car and move from this place with my son once and for all. I don't want to spend another summer in this empty town.



2. Look good enough (in my honest opinion) to wear a bikini by summer... Goal Weight: 90lbs. Current Weight: 102lbs.

Yesterday I purchased 2 fitness tapes of Amazon: Bellydance Fitness for Beginners: Slim Down" and Yoga Cleanse - Lighten Up & Purify - with Ana Brett & Ravi Singh. Hmm...I'll yet you know how it gos. :}

Beauty as I see it...

lovely...